Snap Shot #41: Rear Window

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We have new neighbours. I know this because the window of our kitchen looks across a gap between buildings and into the kitchen window of a unit in the block next door. I already knew that the previous residents had vacated and was reasonably happy about it. They recently had a baby daughter whose lung capacity was rapidly expanding, giving her ever greater volume. Her parents were no doubt unconcerned whether or not we were bothered by her nightly screams, given that over the past three years they had endured the frequent and unpredictable yapping of Nitro the Two Toned Cavoodle. So their exit has pretty much suited all parties. The new neighbours are a fairly young, relatively attractive couple. Perhaps this is their first place together. They certainly seem very lovey-dovey. I know this because earlier today I saw them kissing in the kitchen. Cute. Then the guy started making humping motions while the girl giggled. Normally I might find such playfulness endearing – testament to the joys of young love. But, unfortunately, because this action was framed by that particular window, I was a little horrified. This is no fault of theirs. The blame rests solely with the original resident that lived there when we first moved in. At first he was a bachelor. After an impressive parade of women passed by that window over several years, finally there was just one. It was in the first year together that my wife and I happened to spy them late one night. I was vaguely aware of their presence but wasn’t really paying much attention as I was so used to seeing them. It was my wife who, somewhat wide-eyed, suggested I take a closer look. I did and saw the woman standing in a robe. The man was opposite, leaning against the kitchen counter. But he wasn’t wearing a robe. In fact, he wasn’t wearing anything at all. This in itself was a shock. But wait – there’s more. Not only was he naked, a certain part of his anatomy was standing to attention. And, believe it or not – there’s more still. The organ in question was not just standing to attention – it was moving up and down, as if being put through a late night exercise routine. There are not many things I have seen in my life that I wish I could unsee – but that image is, and will probably remain, at the top of my list. From that moment on, we always referred to that neighbor as ‘Flexi’. So, while it’s likely that the young lovers next door are wonderful people, any hanky-panky they get up to in their kitchen, clothed or otherwise, will always rekindle that stomach churning image of Flexi in action.

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